anymore when I get back to the States. Teaching here has me realized
that I am a horrible teacher! And that may have something to do with
my interpersonal skills or the differences in the educational system,
but a lot of it also has to do with me being so tired of these
students! Ahhhh!
I hate that I cannot be fair when I am grading because I constantly
doubt my ability to discern when a student is cheating or not. When
they're doing their homework, I would love to give praise to the
students who did a good job, but then I'll continue grading and BAM!
There goes another paper with the exact same shit written on it, and
all my excitement is gone. That's what it's like….I'm in constant
doubt that they're cheating, even the good students. They'd let their
friends cheat off of them. So when I know they're copying, I'm taking
off more points than I should to compensate for the fact that they're
cheating and I can't prove it. It's not a good feeling to have to do
that, ya' know.
I hate that they make me feel like such a BITCH ALL the TIME!!!
They're so disrespectful to me during class. I know they hate me
because I fail them. I do feel bad about that, but I have these
expectations that I don't want to lower for them. It includes all the
values a young person ought to have entering the working world, which
is what they're about to embark upon: no cheating, ask for help, being
punctual, study hard at home. I don't know what they're doing but
they're definitely not studying as much as they should be, and how can
you succeed at anything in life if you don't work hard for it? I make
them stand during class if they're late to teach them punctuality. I
give them zeroes when they cheat to encourage them not do it. I vary
the tests so they don't copy but I also give them pretty good reviews
to encourage them to study, but they just don't care. They hate me
because I don't listen to them and make allowances for them where
their other teachers do it, but it just doesn't feel right to me.
Sometimes, I doubt if I've ever been a good teacher. Maybe I just
don't care enough about the students, and that's why they feel that
animosity towards me. Honestly, these days, I don't care if they pass
or not. While teaching, I don't even try to get through all the lesson
because they make me reach my limit sometimes with their laughing and
being disrespectful. I would have never treated my teachers like this
in high school. Sometimes, I grade a kid that I know to be a bad kid
harder or I kick him out much quicker just because I realllllly don't
like him. Now is that right to you? Where are my morals? I feel like
that moral base on which I stand is fracturing and breaking down and I
can't tell if what I am doing is right or wrong anymore. I doubt
myself all the time because I know that I am a foreigner. I have no
idea how they were raised or what their situations are like outside of
school. Sometimes I feel like I should give them the allowances and
just let them pass, but then I would second guess myself because I
know that being a Peace Corps volunteer, I'm supposed to be changing
the way things are done, not succumbing to them. Ugh!! It's too
frustrating right now!
The director of the school brought me in to lecture me about the
failing rate of my students the other day. He has never come to watch
any of my lessons. He has never once talked to me about how my
teaching is going, but yet he has the nerve to tell me that I must be
doing something wrong if so many students are failing. When I asked
him what I needed to do to better the situation, he couldn't give me a
straight answer. I am frustrated because if he could give me any
legitimate advice, I would have taken it. But I know he doesn't care
about whether the students learn or not. All he cares about is that it
doesn't show on the report. And I am so close to just giving in to
the corruption and passing everyone just to not deal with this. That
would make all of them happy and off my back….sighz. Maybe I am not a
good teacher. A good one would have tried harder. A good one would
have thought of a different way to handle things. Not me. 12th grade
English, you are the death of me – atleast the part of me that ever
wanted to be a teacher, anyway.
