Not teacher material...that's for sure

I have realized why I hate school now and why I don't want to teach
anymore when I get back to the States. Teaching here has me realized
that I am a horrible teacher! And that may have something to do with
my interpersonal skills or the differences in the educational system,
but a lot of it also has to do with me being so tired of these
students! Ahhhh!

I hate that I cannot be fair when I am grading because I constantly
doubt my ability to discern when a student is cheating or not. When
they're doing their homework, I would love to give praise to the
students who did a good job, but then I'll continue grading and BAM!
There goes another paper with the exact same shit written on it, and
all my excitement is gone. That's what it's like….I'm in constant
doubt that they're cheating, even the good students. They'd let their
friends cheat off of them. So when I know they're copying, I'm taking
off more points than I should to compensate for the fact that they're
cheating and I can't prove it. It's not a good feeling to have to do
that, ya' know.

I hate that they make me feel like such a BITCH ALL the TIME!!!
They're so disrespectful to me during class. I know they hate me
because I fail them. I do feel bad about that, but I have these
expectations that I don't want to lower for them. It includes all the
values a young person ought to have entering the working world, which
is what they're about to embark upon: no cheating, ask for help, being
punctual, study hard at home. I don't know what they're doing but
they're definitely not studying as much as they should be, and how can
you succeed at anything in life if you don't work hard for it? I make
them stand during class if they're late to teach them punctuality. I
give them zeroes when they cheat to encourage them not do it. I vary
the tests so they don't copy but I also give them pretty good reviews
to encourage them to study, but they just don't care. They hate me
because I don't listen to them and make allowances for them where
their other teachers do it, but it just doesn't feel right to me.

Sometimes, I doubt if I've ever been a good teacher. Maybe I just
don't care enough about the students, and that's why they feel that
animosity towards me. Honestly, these days, I don't care if they pass
or not. While teaching, I don't even try to get through all the lesson
because they make me reach my limit sometimes with their laughing and
being disrespectful. I would have never treated my teachers like this
in high school. Sometimes, I grade a kid that I know to be a bad kid
harder or I kick him out much quicker just because I realllllly don't
like him. Now is that right to you? Where are my morals? I feel like
that moral base on which I stand is fracturing and breaking down and I
can't tell if what I am doing is right or wrong anymore. I doubt
myself all the time because I know that I am a foreigner. I have no
idea how they were raised or what their situations are like outside of
school. Sometimes I feel like I should give them the allowances and
just let them pass, but then I would second guess myself because I
know that being a Peace Corps volunteer, I'm supposed to be changing
the way things are done, not succumbing to them. Ugh!! It's too
frustrating right now!

The director of the school brought me in to lecture me about the
failing rate of my students the other day. He has never come to watch
any of my lessons. He has never once talked to me about how my
teaching is going, but yet he has the nerve to tell me that I must be
doing something wrong if so many students are failing. When I asked
him what I needed to do to better the situation, he couldn't give me a
straight answer. I am frustrated because if he could give me any
legitimate advice, I would have taken it. But I know he doesn't care
about whether the students learn or not. All he cares about is that it
doesn't show on the report. And I am so close to just giving in to
the corruption and passing everyone just to not deal with this. That
would make all of them happy and off my back….sighz. Maybe I am not a
good teacher. A good one would have tried harder. A good one would
have thought of a different way to handle things. Not me. 12th grade
English, you are the death of me – atleast the part of me that ever
wanted to be a teacher, anyway.

Wow…. I feel so proud of myself today. I'd planned an HIV/AIDS student
workshop for 43 people with 2 Mozambicans and it didn't fall to
pieces! It took me 2 weeks to plan, hours of typing, making copies,
budgeting, phone calls, but it was so worth it when we ended the
conference today, and I felt like the students actually learned
something from it. I actually felt the satisfaction that every
volunteer longs to feel, the satisfaction that you are doing something
worthwhile with your time here, and that deep down, a part of you did
join Peace Corps to help others. Did I had times where I just wanted
to wring their necks out and slap them all? Sure! There is no sense of
schedule or time here. Were there times when I'd felt like this was
pointless? Definitely! In the beginning, I was so frustrated when
things didn't go as planned, just as anyone would when they've put so
much work into planning something and just want it to go well. I had
to remind myself so many times to take deep breaths and that I
wouldn't have to deal with this way of living for much longer, but
when I finally let go and just admit that things are never going to go
as you planned here, no matter how well you planned, it went so much
better than I thought! The students had fun and learned something. I
had fun, as well. I don't know really want to go into too much
details, but I'm just so ecstatic to I have accomplished such a task.

On another topic, I wrote earlier that I didn't have to live in these
conditions anymore. It means that I'm going to finish my service soon,
6 months! It did fly pretty quick, but as of this moment, I'm so
excited to go home. I haven't seen any of my family or friends for 20
months, and even though I've made new friends here, I really miss
everyone from home, as well. I miss all the food from back home….oh,
the food. Even in my dreams, I think about hot wings and pho and
sushi. What I wouldn't give for some McDonald's… Though I am preparing
to go home, I also have this nagging feeling, maybe fear, maybe
anxiety (I don't know, can't quite tell yet). It's very similar to the
feeling I had before I came, maybe it's a fear of the unknown. I don't
really know what America's like anymore, haven't kept up with the
news, the music, or the culture. And even though I miss everyone, how
do I know that the ones that I've missed are still the same people
that I've missed, ya know what I mean? People change, and I'm going to
have to rebuild all that up again. Guess that's kind of exciting, too,
cause you know, I'm kind of over this experience. It was really good,
and it will continue to be good until I finish, but the excitement is
all gone. I'm ready for something new. Can't wait to get home!

another year... another reflection

December 2, 2010

Damn... Sorry I haven't updated for a while. I wonder if anyone still
follows this blog besides my really close buddies.... Well, better to jot
down some thoughts anyway.

So, I finished a whole year in Mozambique in October, and I meant to write
then, but for some reason, I just kept finding that I could not sit down and
really reflect on my experience. Classes ended in October, so I did have
some time, but I just couldn't really focus and think about what this last
year has meant for me. And now, 2 months later, I still am having a hard
time reflecting, but I'm forcing myself to update anyway since I won't have
a chance to update for another month, and at that time, I'll be blogging
about the amazing trip that I'm about to go on (but more about that next
time).

How do I feel now? First of all, I feel like I did accomplish goal 1 of
Peace Corps, which is to provide Mozambique with skilled men and women who
will fill the needs of the country. I think I did a fine, albeit not
wonderful, job of teaching English to my 8th graders. Considering they
didn't even know what a verb, noun, or adjective is in Portuguese when we
first started the year and now after I've made them conjugate over 50 verbs,
they know all the pronouns by heart. So I guess that's atleast a small
accomplishment. I think they possess the basic foundation to build the rest
of their English language, should they choose to pursue that course.With
other aspects of the Peace Corps goals, though, I don't think I did a very
good job. Goals 2 & 3 of Peace Corps involves integrating with the community
and exchanging American culture with Mozambican culture. Being an
Asian-American, I would have been especially good at and should have shared
with the Mozambicans the cultural diversity of America, but I don't think I
did that very well. Integration is still a slight problem for me. I wouldn't
say that my language skills are all that awful; I mean, I can communicate
basic needs and thoughts and feelings, but I lack the necessary vocabulary
to really build conversations with others, you know, the kind of
coversations that involve politics, religion, culture and other aspects of
life that cause people to laugh, cry, or want to fight you, the emotions
involving "deep" conversations. Yes, my friends, I can't have conversations
with people here, and it saddens me in an inexplicable way. It's not like I
have no friends because I do, and it's not that I NEVER have these types of
conversations, but it happens a lot less often than I would like , and it's
something from the States that I really miss, as well. On that note, I guess
1 out of 3 is not bad, and there's always next year to work on the other 2
goals.

What I really want to talk about this entry, is this feeling of
non-accomplishment I'm beginning to feel as of late.

December 12, 2010

Shit... So, I never get to finish writing these blog entries cause
they take forever to write, and I'm always on the fucking road and
paying for internet by the minute. For example, I've only got 10
minutes now to write a bit more and am going to end up saving this
entry to finish at a later date. Frustrating!

But that also means that I'm traveling a lot. It's only been 10 days
since I last wrote, but I've already gone to Swaziland and Tanzania
and am currently in South AFrica. That's 3 countries in 10 days...
Unbelievable... Anyway, more update on that later. Now, back to the
reflection of 1 year.

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So, like I said, I had gotten this feeling of unaccomplishment. One of
the main reasons I wanted to do Peace Corps, other than for the
challenge of it, was to find out more about who I am and who I want to
be. I guess at this age, you should already have a firm grasp of the
kind of person you are and where you want to go in life, in addition
to what you want from life. You would think that the Peace Corps
experience, a life with no distractions, you'd have more time to think
about your life and make choices. Wrong!

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January 6, 2011

Man, I am not good at keeping this blog updated. I had typed up the
above a month ago, and had intended to finish it, but things kept
coming up, and now, I've lost what I was going to say. I had a very
good reflection for my one- year, too. Oh well.

I am not going to write in detail about my trip this time. Apparently,
I "write essays", and I wouldn't want to bored everyone with details
about traveling, since it's probably not that interesting unless you
plan on going to the same place. However, I will say that the more
traveling I do, the more everything begins to look the same. Beaches
are beaches. Mountains are mountains. There is beauty in every place,
but I got tired of experiencing the same things and feeling the same
feelings, so my conclusion is that in the end, what I take away most
from my travels is the time I spend with the people I travel with: the
laughter, the bonding, and the trying out of new things together. So,
if I look at it from that perspective, I've gained so much from my
travels this time, even though I spent all of my savings.

So… what am I up to these days? Well, after over a month of not being
at site, I've returned home… to being robbed, once again. Isn't that
just my luck?! And I tried so hard this time to avoid it, too!

I had someone I trusted watch over my house, even paid the kid. It's
too bad he didn't have enough sense to stay here and watch it the
entire time (left the keys with the neighbors for a weekend when he
went home for xmas) and had someone else stay over at our house with
him. I don't think he would rob me, but I do think his friend or one
of the neighbor's kids probably came in and took my external hard
drive, flashdrive, books, and some other small things. Why,
Mozambique, why? It's this kind of bullshit that makes me not want to
stay here, anymore. Anyway, I'm getting over it. (Sorry, Jenny, that I
lost your gift to me.) The material thing is not the thing that
bothers me so much, it's more of the broken trust that I'm pissed at.
Once again, I thought I could trust someone, and once again, I get
fooled. You know how I hate being made a fool of… There's also that
feeling of helplessness. Like, what am I supposed to do now? Who is
telling me the truth and who is lying? In a foreign country by myself
where I don't know the law or the people, what can I do?

Well, can't really do anything, I guess. Just gotta take deep breaths.
I find that it really helps. When I was returning from Tanzania to
South Africa, I almost got denied entry because I didn't have my
Yellow Fever card with me, to show that I've had my shots. I told them
Peace Corps had it, but no one knew what the Peace Corps was that
worked at the airport, and I felt so frustrated because I kept having
to repeat my story and they kept repeating to me what they knew, but
we were getting no where. They wanted to deport me! On top of that, no
one knew anything, so they kept walking me around talking to different
departments and people, and I was getting so frustrated. Well, I took
deep breaths and stayed calm, and it all eventually worked out in the
end. I never really believed that until I joined Peace Corps, but man,
that shit works. Gotta do more of that!

These days are pretty laid back, and I've been getting a lot of more
time on my hands, which I don't know is a good thing or bad. I guess
now would be a good time to reflect on my experience, but I find
myself thinking more about my future and worrying about what I am
going to do once I get home. It's so surreal that I'm about to
complete my second year of service. I was riding my bike through the
streets the other day, and I realize how different I feel this year
compared to last about the beginning of classes. I have a much better
idea of the way things work now, what I am supposed to do, the way the
culture is; even my Portuguese is better. I've actually got friends at
site, now. Last year at this time, I was by myself a lot and now, I've
got people to spend time with and talk to. It's so much better. Oh, I
totally forgot to write that my ex-roommate, Vanessa, will not be
getting replaced by another volunteer, which means…. Yes, I'm at site
by myself this year! How interesting it's gonna be….

Get ready 2011…. ***cracks knuckles**** It's time to get down to some
business! I want to get one project accomplished for my community
before I leave, set goals for and restructure all the student clubs to
make sure they're sustainable, and achieve my New Year's resolution of
running more. Hope everyone had a good New Years! Let's get shit
accomplished this year! (And also avoid being robbed…haha)