So… this is going to be one of those more introspective entries, since I've completed 6 months, more or less, at site. Looking back at my old journal entries, I feel like my perspective of the Peace Corps experience has changed a lot.
For one thing, you can't possibly understand what it's like to be in the Peace Corps unless you do it. I mean, you can read about it; you can watch documentaries, and you can listen to others tell their stories, but until you've experienced it yourself, you really have no idea. The experience is just very different and unique for every individual, depending on your personality, your site, the people you meet, and the past experiences you bring to the table. I can sit here and try and try to explain it, and you can listen, but you would never know the significance it had in my life.
They say that Peace Corps changes who you are. Well, up to date, I would disagree with that. Peace Corps does not change who you are. All of my experiences here have just helped me discover who I am, made me confirm aspects of my personality that I knew already existed and made me realize all the things that I was capable of doing. I don't think that I have changed who I am. Let's demonstrate this with an example:
I used to be borderline obsessive compulsive before I came here. I hated clutter, and I wanted things to be clean all the time. However, can you really be that clean here in Mozambique? I've got spiders and termites all over my room (they're laying eggs in my closet); our house floor has not been washed since I've moved in (7 months!); I re-wear my clothes 3 or 4 times before I wash them (because they wear out so quickly when you wash them and I didn't bring that much with me). Don't get me wrong. Dirty dishes still bother me; too much shit being all over our dining room table still bugs me; and when I cook, I put everything I used back right away or that clutter would bother me (yea, this one is definitely OCD). However, I've learned to deal with a lot of other stuff. You just learn to not care as much. Hence, my point illustrated. I've always been and probably will always remain a neat-freak. This much about my personality I knew, but what I didn't know was – could I live a non-neat life? If everything around me was a mess, could I ignore it and continue on? If I couldn't take a bath for 3 days, could I do it? If I had to do #2 in the bush (unclean food and long chapa ride – enough said), can I do it? And yes (ha! Thank god!), I can! I can do all that! I've learned that I can survive and still be happy in non-neat environments, and that's made me very happy.
Well, that's just one example. There are other things that I've discovered but to describe them all would take too long, so I'll leave it at that for now.
Since the end of the second trimester is ending next week, I want to take this time to talk about one of my goals when I first entered into Peace Corps: to be able to teach science effectively in a resource-less environment using another language. Well, that goal is shot to hell since I don't teach science but English instead. Even though I ran science fair for our school this year, it was so difficult to explain the scientific method to students that I really just half-assed it. The whole thing just showed me one thing: I just didn't apply myself that much. Damn, well one of the things I said when I first decided I want to do this – meaning Peace Corps – was that I would work really hard and try my best for 2 years. I imagined that I would have no life, no time to travel, no friends, and no TV, so that all my life would involve is work. I'd figured I'd be really lonely and bored and miss home all the time, and the best way to combat that was to work.
How wrong was I? I've made friends, mostly other Peace Corps volunteers. My roommate and I watch TV on the laptop all the time. We leave site and go party once a month. I'm planning on traveling every break. I don't just have work here, and lately, I'm finding it very hard to focus on work. It sucks that you work so hard on your lessons, and you think your students understood what you taught, but then the end of the trimester comes, and they all fail their final exam. OR, even worse, they try to cheat. It makes you think…damn, what is the fucking point then? Why do I have to put in all this effort, when the result is the same, and I just feel even shittier because I tried so hard? Isn't it better not to try, not to care as much? My life would be easier without stressing over the students. And sometimes, that theory is true. I shouldn't stress too much over things I can't control because if that's the case, then every time I travel anywhere, I would have a panic attack. Anyway, why did I say all this? Just trying to explain why my original goal of working extremely hard for 2 years is shot to hell.
Being here for 6 months has also made me weary of the people. I mean, I never was a people person in the first place. It has always been difficult to read people, but it's especially hard here. People are always asking us for stuff. Can I borrow some money? Can I have 4 tomatoes? Can you help me translate something? Can I borrow your camera? Can you help me type this up? Can we use the journalism club's ink to print this out? Vanessa and I talk about it all the time. We just want people to STOP ASKING US FOR STUFF! I hate when my trust is displaced. If I lend you money, freakin' pay me back! Don't not pick up my calls and avoid me for 3 weeks. Don't make excuses. Don't borrow my bike and then break the pedal and say it's not your fault. Why would I lend out stuff anymore? But you know, then you feel bad cause it's really not that big a deal to lend out the stuff, IF the person can take care of it and returns it in the same condition. The problem is, I don't know people well enough to judge if this will happen. I hate that! I guess this learning who to trust is just something that takes longer than 6 months to learn.
However, unlike learning to read people, learning how to travel around the country is a much easier task to take on. I remember when I first got here, how scared I was. When the Peace Corps car dropped me off at site, I thought to myself, "I'm never leaving site." How could I just hitchhike? Remember those old entries of being fearful of being stuck in Tica? Well… been there… done that! Got into a chapa accident where the damn car flipped? Check! Slept in a stranger's home that same weekend? Check! Still want to travel? Hell yes! The country is actually not that difficult to navigate, once you've done it. I love that I can hitchhike with strangers in this country without fear of being kidnapped and killed. I love that I can travel from one city to another with just my backpack. Oh… and do I have grand plans… tell you more about it later!
